also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
