Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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