She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
