highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
