the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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