I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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