I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
