i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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