do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
