i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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