why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
