I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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