I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
