tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
