So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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