I accidentally had phone sex last night
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
