I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
