hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
