He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
