Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
