My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
