I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
