Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is that a dick in a sweater?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
as a side note pls kill me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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