I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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