forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
