This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
