I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he shaved USA in his pubs
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
