Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
