god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
