Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
