i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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