I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
