She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
