last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
