How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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