I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
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No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I got inside last night via doggy door
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... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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