Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
