Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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