put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
