Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
