I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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