he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
