did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
