Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
a search helicopter?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
