Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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