i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
