Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
