As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
