My sheets look like a crime scene.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
