there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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