it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
