I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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