yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
