he shaved USA in his pubs
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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