he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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