Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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