He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
