I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
